Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Happy New Year!

Wishing all my readers a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2014. I would also like to offer you some advice if you are over 21: Hogmanay is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without looking tragic. I also thought I would help you with your resolutions - these suggestions are actually achievable:

Read less.

Gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

Stop exercising. Waste of time.

Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.

Procrastinate more.

Do less laundry and use more deodorant.

Don't waste your time relieving the past, instead worry about the future.

Drink. Drink some more (it will help you forget the past).

When becoming tearful through alcohol - drink more really quickly to progress to the next level - your runny mascara makes you look like an ugly version of Alice Cooper.

Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay.

Stop taking a packed lunch to work: you really should eat out more.

I hope these help - you will feel so much happier knowing you have achieved your goals.

Once again, have a good one.